I first encountered the phrase “Seek first to understand, then to be
understood” in Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,
published in 1989. Years later, when I mentioned it during a workshop,
someone told me the idea stretches back to the 12th century and is often
attributed to St Francis of Assisi, whose wording was said to be, “Seek to
understand, not to be understood.” Whether he spoke those exact words
or whether it simply reflected his ethos, the spirit of the idea has travelled
a long way through history.
What’s fascinating is how appealing the concept sounds in theory, and
how uncomfortable it can become in conflict situations.
Most of us like to think of ourselves as fair, rational and capable of
listening. But the moment we feel misunderstood, blamed or threatened,
our instincts can cause us to flip. We rush to justify ourselves, explain,
correct, argue, or simply defend our position. You’ve probably seen this
play out in real time: two people in a heated disagreement, both raising
their voices, both repeating themselves, both insisting the other person
“just listen for a second!”. In those moments, everyone wants to be
understood first.
But the truth is, that instinct rarely gets us what we want. We might walk
away having “got things off our chest”, yet not a lot is actually resolved.
At best, we win the point and lose part of the relationship; at worst, the
conflict lingers beneath the surface and resurfaces later.
Conflict resolution, especially in customer-facing environments, relies far
less on proving who is right and far more on ensuring people feel heard,
respected and taken seriously. Feelings matter here, not in a sentimental
way, but in a behavioural one. If a customer leaves with the impression
that you didn’t really listen, they’ll take their business elsewhere. Not
because your facts were wrong, but because their experience felt wrong.
This is where Covey (and possibly St Francis) were onto something. To
seek to understand first requires courage, self-awareness and curiosity. It
means resisting the urge to immediately broadcast our position. Once we
start defending, we tend to dig in; the conversation narrows and the
potential for resolution shrinks.
Most conflicts are far more nuanced than they appear. Consider a
customer who seems irritated about a minor issue during their car’s first
service. On the surface, it’s a simple technical complaint. But a few
curious questions might reveal the real frustration began months earlier
during the purchase, where they felt pressured or poorly informed.
Unless someone takes the time to explore that context, the real issue remains
hidden and the conflict becomes harder to solve.
Slowing down to understand first can save time in the long run. People
become more open, less defensive and more willing to hear your
perspective. Once someone feels listened to, they’re far more ready to
listen in return. That’s where conflict resolution begins.
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