When emotions escalate, our self-awareness tends to depart. We often
have the pleasure of being asked to visit organisations and observe their
staff interacting with customers before training them in conflict
management. It is fascinating how mild-mannered staff members can
become forceful individuals when they are questioned by customers and
they know they are right!
From time to time, we are also shown videos by course attendees of
interactions they have had with customers, with the intention of giving us
an idea of how challenging their customers can be. The customers can
often be challenging, but frequently the behaviour of the staff in the
videos is very challenging too! We have often pondered why staff cannot
see and hear how they are behaving in a video. It is like seeing ourselves
in a group photo, we tend to home in on ourselves. In conflict videos we
home in on the customer’s behaviour. When we only judge the other
party, we miss half the elements impacting the challenging interaction.
As emotions escalate in a situation, we lose awareness of how we are
responding. That is, assuming we had any awareness of our own
behaviour to begin with! We can be unaware that our speed of speech has
increased, our tone of voice is rising, our hands and body language are
becoming more animated, and our words are becoming more directive:
“You should have looked at the website…”
When managing challenging customer reactions, look at what you are
getting in the ‘window’. Imagine the customer is in a window and you are
observing their behaviour and their reactions. If the customer becomes
angrier about an explanation you are providing, take note and stop
explaining. It is likely they understand your explanation; they just do not
agree with it. If, in the window, you see and hear them talking over you
repeatedly, they have something they want you to understand. ‘Fighting’
to get into the conversation by talking over them is pointless, as they are
probably not able to listen while they are talking over you.
Take note of changes of behaviour in the customer window. A confused
look should prompt a question from you rather than another explanation.
Small behavioural cues are valuable insights and noticing them early can
prevent the interaction from becoming heated.
Hold a mirror up to yourself too. How is your behaviour changing
throughout the conversation? Are you doing more talking than listening?
Are you trying to ‘hammer’ home a point? Are you becoming a little
forceful?
As soon as you become aware of any aspect of your behaviour, you are
back in control of your behaviour. If, for example, you become aware that
you are speeding up (a common occurrence in conflict situations), you
can adjust and regain control. If you do not notice how you are behaving,
your emotions are probably the dominant driver in the conversation
rather than you.
Want to arm your teams with Conflict Management Skills, visit our conflict courses for more information or get in touch for a quote